Lynx

I opened a box of toys to see if I could find something to pass the time at home, and there  was something I had never seen before. I am not even sure if it is really a toy or not. It looked  like a doll, but its seamless body was so elaborate and different from the worn-out ones that  are always donated to orphanages. The glossy, shiny skin looked cold, but it was slightly warm  to the touch. 

Above all, the toy is staring at us. 

Hello." 

I saw the doll's mouth move so clearly that I almost dropped it. The doll did not even show  any sign of wincing at the sudden shock, but continued to stare at me. The voice seemed to  be coming from the doll. It was an electronic sound, but it seemed to have more emotion in it  than the voice of the robot that had greeted me at the science museum on a previous field trip. 

Hello, if you've noticed, please respond, Snow." 

You said, "Hello, ....... How do you know my name?" 

I know all about it. Because Lynx told me. His name is Snow, he is ten years old, in elementary  school, and bullied for being an orphan." 

I didn't want to respond, so I thought about just closing the box. Then again, the doll might  have been placed here to torment me. Maybe there is a recording tape nearby. Are you offended? Please don't feel bad. I didn't come here because I wanted to. I'm here  on business. 

I was a little curious, but still somewhat eerie, and as I continued to remain silent, the doll  easily slipped out of my hands and sat down on the toy box. Fortunately, there was only myself  and the doll in the room. 

I'll leave when I'm done. Please cooperate with us. It's a win-win situation for you." "......What's in it for me?" 

I'll be brief. I'll be brief. 

I come from another world." 

The doll said so matter-of-factly. 

Where is this other world? What's it like?" 

It's a world of only robots, except for one. That is Lynx. The robots in the world, including  myself, used to be human, but the original Lynx researcher was working on cyborgs and  succeeded thousands of years ago in implanting the human spirit into robots. Since then we  have always had the most suitable body to do our job, and our abilities have balanced each  other out. Not all of us have the same abilities, but any ability is available to us if we only  change our bodies. This awareness eliminated jealousy of abilities that we did not have, and  fostered a sense of responsibility to fulfill our roles with the abilities that we did have. The world became more developed and peaceful." 

What's original about The Links?" 

It's about the inventor who made it possible to transplant a spirit. But he passed away, so the  clone Lynx was created in a test tube to take his place. It was my job to take care of the cloned  Lynx." 

Is ...... past tense?" 

'We got into a fight over a minor thing, and they put me in a guinea pig cage. What's a guinea pig cage?" 

Here we are. 

I looked around the room. There were no animals in this facility. I cocked my head and  asked, "...... toy box?" I asked. 

No, it is this earth. As we robots developed, we began to study the guinea pigs and the world  they live in to see if our world would perish in the same way. By collecting and simulating a  lot of data, we can detect and avoid the signs of our world's destruction. I'm thinking, "...... guinea pigs? Guinea pigs are only found in zoos, but ......?" The guinea pigs are you people." 

To say this so clearly, maybe this is a form of bullying after all. 

Oh don't get me wrong. I was a little mistaken in my wording. Almost all of the universe we  own and the celestial bodies in it are subject to experimentation, but this earth and the  universe that surrounds it are the exception. Since it is Lynx's personal property, we have  never dropped a meteorite or spread a virus to test it. It's just the natural way things have been  since the Earth was created. If the other bottled universes are guinea pig cages, this is like a  dollhouse. I would imagine a doll living inside, and I would sometimes give it new tools so it  could live comfortably." 

What was the ...... gift, for example?" 

It's fire. He only gave it to us on a whim, but it has helped mankind develop to this point, and  I think he is very happy with it. For the last thousand years, he has always looked happily at  the earth." 

"......What's in it for me?" 

I can give you anything you want, even something that makes a monkey human. I will grant  you a wish. I am the one who will grant it this time, not Lynx, but I have lived hundreds of  times longer than you and contributed to the development of science and peace in my country,  so I don't see why I can't fulfill the wish of a child. 

I was mildly peeved and tried desperately to think of a wish that would not be easily granted.  As if interrupting my thoughts, the doll said without offence, "However, there are some things  that are no good. What kind of wish isn't good enough?" 

Even though this is a dollhouse owned by Lynx, it is still a guinea pig cage for us robots. Data  from this planet, which is largely untouched by the outside world, is valuable. We can make  any wish we want, but we can't accept anything that changes the ecology of our surroundings  too much. 

I am not sure. Is there such a thing as a wish that does not change the surroundings at all? I'll put it a little more gently: "You don't want people to know I exist, and then I'll grant your  personal wishes. I mean, please don't make wishes that would drastically change society, like  eliminating war or poverty." 

From the beginning, I never thought of such a wish. 

By the way, what kind of cooperation do I have to give to get my wish granted?" I finally got down to business. I came to earth after Lynx and I had a fight, and I was thrown  out of not only the place where we lived together, but even the country we lived in. Of course,  I want to leave this filthy place where germs are spreading and go back to my country, but  Lynx made one condition. 

What are the terms?" 

He told me to find the shame and bring it to him." 

I suddenly felt uneasy. What was he thinking, bringing something as abstract as "shame"  with him? Lynx is supposed to be a human being, albeit a clone, but does he think "shame"  is something he can carry around with him? 

How did ...... you take that word?" 

Shame, (1) to lose face, to flirt with. The dictionary says, "Shame, (2) an act or thing that  makes one feel ashamed." 

How do you think we can get that to Lynx?" 

'No, shame itself is a concept, and it would be impossible to take it with you. So I thought,  what could be a symbol of shame? Because if that were the case, I might be able to take it with  me somehow. Trying to think from the perspective of the contestant, Lynx, I thought there  might be some clues in the images of the earth that he constantly sees, so I came up with some  statistics on what attracts his gaze." 

What was Lynx always looking at?" 

It was you. 

"...... why me?" 

I don't know. But I came to you because I thought you might have a clue. Or rather, at first I  thought it might be a good idea to bring you to Lynx." 

Are you going to tell me that ...... I'm a symbol of shame?" 

'Well, I honestly don't know what shame is, so I don't know exactly what it is ....... The longer I live as a robot, the less I know what I felt when I was human. But I've done some research  on you, and you certainly feel ashamed of yourself, don't you?" 

Without answering, I sat down in front of the closet door, this time forcefully shoving the  box onto the shelf and closing it. The western sun shone through, bringing the cluttered  interior into sharp relief, and shadows that I could not tell which furniture had been exposed  to the sun created stripes on my body. It was unusual to see no one less than three meters  away from me, and I suddenly remembered that there was a can where the upperclassmen  were storing coins in the shadow of the bunk beds now, a hand that would have stretched out  in a second, and in that hand was inscribed a note instead of a contact book that I could not  buy. 

It's such a luxurious day when no one is in the same room, but I wasted my time. 'You can always be alone when you want, with me. I can't let my presence be discovered, so  if you want to pay someone off, I'll be there anytime you want." 

Before I knew it, the doll was sitting next to me in a physical position. It was unnatural to  see the doll, which could have been lying in the air, holding her knees like a child, and I was  uncomfortable with her words as if she was trying to get at me. 

I sat back cross-legged and tried to lightly tap the doll. I was sure I was going to hit the doll,  but the doll was translucent, and my hand was uselessly cut off in the air. Once I leave this  room, I don't know when I'll be able to spend time alone. Maybe I should just admit it. The  urge to steal the money to buy a contact book seemed like a shame. It is more difficult to try  desperately to hide the shame that even a robot from another world can see through. 

...... why did you stop taking me to Lynx?" 

You were socially vulnerable. Every child is helpless in the sense that they are not yet  capable of living on their own, and crippled in the sense that they are sheltered. It will take  the average child another five years to realize this. Without understanding it at the time, they  begin to rebel against adults as part of the process of becoming independent. It may take more  than 10 years to become clearly aware of it. When the child becomes an adult, he will know  for the first time that he was helpless and crippled, yet protected. 

Yet you already knew that helplessness and crippling feeling long before you turned ten. It  was your circumstances that forced you to realize this. You were placed in a child welfare  facility before you could even remember, and what was given to you was minimal and not  available if you wanted it. Your activities were restricted, and you were always one of the group.  

You may have been sheltered by law, but the reality was far from it. But the reality was far  from it: your place was under control, or worse, surveillance. In this house, where there was  no privacy or anything else, you had to make an effort to hide your feelings so that they would  not become the object of a cold shoulder. It was the same in school, where you always made sure that your emotions were not subject to any major upheaval. You were ashamed of your  emotions. 

I tried to take you to the Lynx as soon as I realized this, but I think the Lynx is human and  even though he is far inferior to us robots in his thinking ability and speed, he knew from our  many years together that I could only reach my shame by analyzing him! . He nailed me before  I came to Earth. 'You can't bring snow with you,' he said. ' He said, 'It's not that the boy itself  is a shame. 

I was back to square one, so I had no choice but to come to you for some tips." I aimed the pistol I had hidden in my pocket, made from a splint, at the stuffed animal  attached to the light string in the room. The rubber band hit the light and the stuffed animal  shook violently. The stuffed animal shook violently, probably because many of the orphans  who had lived here had played with it in a similar manner. The teddy bear, originally pink,  was stained gray, and the beads in one of its eyes looked as if they were about to come off. When you say, "...... hint, I know nothing about it. I can't think of any symbols of shame.  But I feel like there are too many to list." 

Such as?" 

The cute bears that girls wear in their school bags are always the target of distraction here,"  he said. The surroundings are usually dingy. I don't think there's a place in the world more  disgusting to you than this. Where you're sitting, that's where the guy sleeping under my  bed puked the other night." 

For the first time, the doll seemed to panic and jumped up into the air in a gym-like position.  A circle of angels shone above the doll's head, and I blocked out the light with my hand. Unlike  the setting sun, the light was full of energy, as if a bomb had just been dropped, and the doll  was bathed in it, changing its pose as it went. 

"...... what are you doing?" 

...... disinfection with deep ultraviolet light." 

I felt inwardly that I was a sucker for this. 

"...... can't find any common ground between a note written on a hand and a dirty teddy  bear. What part of that is a symbol of shame?" 

'I mean something that makes you notice the gap between the world and the world. If I had  been born in a normal family, I would have been able to choose whether I wanted a water based or oil-based pen. I could only choose a pen from the box that collected the school's lost  and found. The real owner might be in trouble, but I am sure that child will be able to buy any  color pen he wants. 

If I had some privacy, I could wash that teddy bearhanging there at least once. I'm not  targeting the teddy bear because I don't like him. I thought when I first came here that it was a cute stuffed animal and I wanted to clean it and hold it. But if he saw me doing that, he  might think I was like a woman, and if I behaved like everyone else, he wouldn't feel sorry for  me. Normally, people would be angry at me for mistreating their toys, but there was no one  to say that to me. 

Each child you meet at school was born in a different home, and you must feel the gap  between the others and us. But the gap between us and the children who have families is huge.  I guess you could call that gulf a shame." 

'So there's so much of that gulf in places that you can't pick out the symbol of shame?' I guess that's what it comes down to." 

The doll rotated 360 degrees while floating in the air. Maybe it was trying to pick out things  that I might project shame onto and categorize them without giving up. It seemed pointless  to me. 

Did ...... give you any clues?" 

'No, I see your point. Indeed, the shame is not your own. It is not here. But the fact remains  that you are ashamed of your feelings. It is felt by the eyes of orphans who live in the same  house but do not allow each other to see them, by the way they look at the outcasts they feel  at school, and so on. I think there is a clue there. ......" 

I looked at Tidy Bear. Hanging from a string of electric lights, the teddy bear must have  always been exposed to the gaze of many orphans. Most of the time, their gazes were unkind  and impolite. Considering that Tidy Bear is just a stuffed animal, it is not something that I  would bother to question. But isn't the look Tidy Bear is receiving almost the same as the oneI  always feel? I tried to make eye contact with the teddy bear. I looked closely at the teddy bear  and saw that only the beads that hung down were still clean. Even though it had never been  cared for by anyone. It was then that it hit me. 

Why don't you take your eyes to the Lynx?" 

The "eyes," you say? Yes, I did say the eyes of the orphans and the eyes of the outcasts at  school, but the eyes of the orphans here alone exceed 100, and the eyes of the students and  teachers at your school, too, that would be taking 10000 eyeballs and delivering them to Lynx.  That amount might be persuasive. But how many eyes around you do you think are worth the  shame?" 

I answered this question with a giggle. 

'I'm not thinking of such a cruel thing, to blind every single human eye that looks at you,  that would be 'changing the ecology'. I don't know how many eyeballs would be worth the  shame, but I'll take one for now." 

Who is it?" 

...... haven't thought that far yet."

Who would be good? The first thing that comes to mind is still those who bully me. If  even one of them were to lose their sight, it would give them a chance to reflect a little on  their daily conduct. If I lose my sight, of course I will not be able to live the same life as before.  They may have to use a white cane or bring a guide dog with them. The children around him  would not miss the obvious change in his appearance. There will be children who will observe  out of curiosity, and children who will be compelled to report to someone whenever he or she  disappears. In the beginning, the initial reaction of both was, "Poor kid, we have to take care  of him. So they would not take time out of their recess to play and talk about it, but instead,  during cleaning time, when the class was broken up and there were only about four or five of  us, they would talk about it as if it was nothing. And yet, the look of pride on his face, as if he  had the day's agenda, shows that he really wanted to talk, but was holding back. It's the same  for all the kids who don't join in the conversation. I couldn't help but want to touch on the  topic, but I didn't want to get in trouble with the teacher, so I listened to her over my back  while wiping the blackboard. I noticed that the differences between many of us and that child  were shared by the whole class, and just being "different" had a bad connotation. Even if it  didn't have a bad meaning, omitting the one person who is "different" would create unity. It  would feel good to put one of them in that position. 

But I don't know if that will absolutely end the bullying. If I lose my sight, I might be moved  to a school where visually impaired students go. Will I then have no choice but to continue  being the sole outcast and target of bullying? 

First of all, can we blind someone's eyes for such a reason? Are those eyes worth the weight  of the word "shame"? 

...... If it were you, whose eyes would you choose?" 

I came to you because I don't understand." 

That's true, but let's take an example. I first wanted to take the wool over the eyes of one of  the guys picking on me, but it just didn't ring a bell. Is there anyone you don't like or  anything?" 

'After a few hundred years of transferring my spirit into a machine body, my emotions have  become dulled, and I don't think much about disliking it or anything like that. Wouldn't it be  easier to be without such unpleasant feelings? But as for me, I'd like to blind the eyes that  work best for me." 

What do you mean by effective?" 

'You want to take the eyes off the child who is bullying you because part of you thinks it will  end the bullying. You want to encourage reflection by putting them on the side of the minority,  even if they are different from you. Or you want to deter bullies by making a sudden  misfortune look like a reward for their daily deeds. Either is fine. However, I don't know if this will really end the bullying, and if you go to middle school or high school in the future and the  environment is new, you may be bullied again. In other words, you would have to take away  their eyes in order to escape from the current reality. What a waste of time that would be,  wouldn't it? It seems to me it would be better to blind them in order to solve something  more fundamental." 

What's the Bottom Line?" 

'To take away the sense of shame you feel about yourself, you can take someone else's eyes  off of you. People will pick on you because your own complex about being an orphan is  transparent and easy to take advantage of. Even though the environment around you may not  be positive or negative in either direction, it will change as time passes. Violence should be  used to make you stay the same no matter what environment you are in, rather than bullying,  which may be resolved with the passage of time." 

It is so easy to say that this robot has how many eyes to match its shame, as if it does not  see humans as humans, but when I take someone's eyes out, you use the word violence. Yes,  it is violence. It is wrong to do. But I feel that the violence is always considered as if it were  okay to direct it at me. No one is going to stop me even if they see me. 

Besides, the word "violence" would be balanced by "shame". 

So how can we get rid of the complex? 

I didn't have the kind of all-roundedness that the children around me had. For example,  during moral education class, when students are asked to write an essay on their dreams for  the future, most of them answer that they want to be a soccer player or a pastry chef, which is  something that most children cannot or do not intend to achieve. I have seen many seniors  who grew up in institutions go through a rough time when they were in junior high school  because of their circumstances, and ended up driving trucks or living a nomadic life without  a regular job. I don't mean to imply that truck drivers and day laborers are bad. It is just that  there was an incident when I had just started elementary school that made me realize that I  did not want to be this kind of adult. 

Most of the graduates never returned to this facility, but there was an uncle who used to  bring me something once every three months or so. After growing up here, he worked as a  janitor and visited here on days when he had a rare win at pachinko or other games. I was still  small, and I was honestly happy to get an ice cream bar or something from him, but none of  the kids my age would take anything from him, as if they despised him. The older students  didn't say it to my face, but I used to say it a lot every time he left. 

Even though I work hard, I still lose money playing pachinko, and when I win, I bring boring  snacks here as if I were feeding pigeons. At best, I can only win enough money to buy snacks. I can't even afford to get a woman. Don't use us to satisfy your own self-esteem." He said his uncle died three years ago. He was found dead and alone in his apartment. There  were cup noodle containers lying around in the kitchen, and the laundry, which had been left  out to dry for days, was wet from the rain and smelled bad. The contractor who happened to  be cleaning up the house was a graduate of our facility, and he came to report it with great joy. 

The reason the graduate looked so happy was probably because he was aware that he was  used as a tool to satisfy his self-esteem, just like the upperclassmen, and also because he was  strong. He was also happy because he was living a life similar to that uncle's. He was not in an  institution. He just didn't have an institutionalized place to fulfill his self-esteem. But I guess  he couldn't help but share this news with the friends he used to live with. Unlike with the  uncle, this news was welcomed by most of the kids in the institution. As long as I laughed at  the misfortune of others, I could strangely forget that the misfortune was very close to me and  that I could be forced into the same situation at any time. 

The adult you don't want to be is not your uncle. Uncles were despised, and now that I am  nearing my senior year, I know how that feels. But during the time I spent eating that ice  cream bar, I may have been ignorant of my position, but it was just pure deliciousness and  fun. What I didn't want to be was an adult with the consciousness of a pigeon, mocking the  misery of others and trying to distance myself from my reality. Reality is a place I have to come  back to no matter what. Other people's misfortunes don't take their place. It doesn't fill my  self-esteem. I wanted to believe in the self-esteem that came from within, not the self-esteem  that had to be filled with something. 

At that moment, I thought of one face that I wanted to take my eyes off of. I've decided whose eyes I'm going to take." 

Who is it?" 

Hold Fu-kun's eyes at the Lynx." 

Who is Fu-kun?" 

"Fu-kun is a ...... I met him for the first time a year ago, and he's in a club that does welfare  activities at the university, so he comes in and out of our facility. I come to this facility rather  often...have you and Lynx seen him on video?" 

I don't know. Lynx may be able to distinguish between each person, but they all look the  same to me. It would be easier for me to remember them if they had some easily recognizable  traits like you do." 

What's my distinguishing feature?" 

Your eyes, they are brown with blue, unlike the black to brown eyes of most of the people  in this land. Your eyes are also very chiseled, and they are easy to distinguish." It was one of the reasons I was bullied. Thanks to my appearance, my first impression was  not so bad, but when you add the orphan factor to the mix, people imagine an uninhibited mother or father, and they create a storyline that I had a baby because I was having a night  out with a foreigner and could not take responsibility for it. If adults treat me with that kind  of mindset, the child won't feel guilty about bullying me. 

He's the one who's been teaching me one-on-one for the past year in the welfare circle. I  think he was just twenty now." 

Is there something you don't like about having someone teach you how to study?" Nothing happened. I always enjoyed the time I spent studying with Fuu-kun. I couldn't wait  for our weekly study time together." 

This was because only the time spent with Fu-kun could be spent in the same quiet manner  as now. Mr. Shinohara, who was in charge of this facility, also wanted to cherish the  opportunity to let the children study, and perhaps he was grateful for the time he could leave  the children in the hands of volunteers, given the small number of staff members who had to  take care of so many children. 

I never thought studying itself was that difficult. I never had trouble keeping up with my  classes in elementary school, and my test scores were near the top of my class. The first  volunteer college student who paired me with a student did not test my level of study ability,  but instead brought me a second grade textbook and had me work endlessly on simple math  and kanji drills. It was easy to assume that children living in orphanages could not study, and  indeed many of them did. The volunteers followed this preconceived notion and worked with  me. Rather than working with me, they worked with one of the orphans. They probably didn't  enjoy volunteering or feel that it was worthwhile, but rather they were killing time by sitting  in front of me and playing on their phones because it would appeal to job hunters that they  had been involved in welfare activities. I was fine with that. I was able to think about it while  going through the too-easy drills inside. 

When I learned that the volunteer in charge of me would be replaced byFu-kun, I didn't  ask for anything. That one does it to help others to improve his/her own reputation, and I use  the time to enjoy my alone time. A win-win relationship. People who volunteer with poor good  intentions are, on the contrary, a pain in the ass. They think they can go as far as they want as  long as they put on a friendly face. If you just step on the dirt, step on the dirt, and quit the  circle, you don't have to take responsibility for your actions. 

Having only seen one of those types of volunteers, I was at a loss to classify Fu-kun. Above  all, his reaction to our first meeting was unnatural. When I formally introduced myself through  a staff member, Fu-kun froze for a while without responding to my formal greeting. I had  hoped to do some cleanup work in the city, but I was probably forced to work with children,  which is not my favorite thing to do, due to staffing limitations. He seemed nervous. When a  staff member tapped him on the shoulder, he seemed relieved, bowed his head lightly, and said quickly, "I'm often called Fu-san. I am often called Fu-san. I don't really like my name, so  you can call me Fu-san or any other nickname you like. 

Shinohara-san wondered to me afterward whether he had received or seen the report of the  situation. He is polite to us and good at teaching children how to study," he said. I thought  she was a solid girl who could organize everyone, but what was wrong with her today? Why  was she so flustered?" 

The impression that people around me were getting was correct, and Fu-kun took my  studies seriously. Although he was still a little awkward, he tried to know how I was doing in  school and how well I could study. When he found that I was keeping up with what I was  learning at school, he gave me a rough idea of what I would be learning when I moved up to  the next grade or went to junior high school, and asked me if I wanted to take a head start on  that. He asked me if I wanted to get ahead of the curve. But if I said so clearly, Mr. Shinohara,  who had high expectations for my grades, might report it to me, which would have been  troublesome. While I was wondering how to answer the question, Fu-kun waited silently. If  he was volunteering out of the goodness of his heart, he would have told me to study hard for  the future, not even knowing the current status of the graduating seniors we would be tracing,  but he did not seem to say anything like that. I was suddenly curious about the future that Fu kun had in mind, so I asked him. 

Do you think you should study for your future, Fu-kun?" 

You say, "...... Well, I think studying will help you in the future. I don't think what you learn  in school now will be directly useful, but let's say you studied hard and went to a so-called  prestigious school. Even though education is not everything, it is an easy way to show that you  are a person who can work hard. I wonder if there is a part of it that makes it easier for people  to recognize and trust you." 

But children who have a lot of money are sent to private kindergartens when they are young  and go on to go to famous universities in an escalating fashion," he said. Such a person can  become a trustworthy person even if he or she does not work particularly hard. I thought he would deny it, but Fu-kun simply said, "Yes. 

There is a saying, "Eat enough and be civilized. I think it is reasonable to say that having  money and being able to live comfortably every day gives you a sense of contentment. If you  have money, if you are born into a family with money, people trust that you will grow up with  enough to live on. 

I disliked the adults around me who were trying hard not to tell me absurdities that children  had already realized long ago. Apparently there is a rule that when volunteers read books to  small children, they are not allowed to choose stories about parents and children. Some of  them think that the little children are only here temporarily and their mothers and fathers will eventually come for them, so this consideration is obviously necessary, but it is impossible to  be in this environment and not notice this unreasonableness for a long time. If they are going  to be made aware of it sooner or later, I feel as though I wish someone had told them straight  up. 

But when it came time to say it, I was at a loss for an answer. I quickly said something that  I didn't quite understand the meaning of. 

...... Fu-kun can you say that to me?" 

Fu-kun looked at me again with a scowling or even more hurt look on his face. His eyes  were shaking as if his heart had really been gouged out, but he never looked away from me. Then, as his mouth was about to open to say something, he pouted and said, "I am not  responsible. 

Huh?" 

Snow is not to blame for the environment she was born into and has to live with. Snow is  allowed to be what she wants to be no matter where she is. If you think you need to study for  it, you can do it. If you don't want to, you don't have to. I just want ...... you to get a weapon." What's a weapon?" 

'It's a tool to fight with. You need weapons to run away from an environment that doesn't  let you do what you want to do or keep people away from you who prevent you from doing it.  You have to build something that you're good at and that you're competitive with others.  Studying is what most kids do in school, so you have a lot of competitors, and it may not be  easy to be the best. But by studying, you get to see what kind of weapons you have in the  world. I wish I could teach that. 

Snow can get his own personal weapon, he can fight, he can be strong. Of course, it's up to  Snow." 

Fu-kun looked away from me and looked at his hand. He had pen dots on his hand, and the  bulge of his pinky finger was stained black. He sounded as if he was talking to himself. Maybe  he is studying a lot. The university Fu-kun went to must have been a school with a fairly high  deviation score. 

Fu-kun was different from the other volunteers. He clearly stated the objective facts about  how we are viewed by the world, which adults try not to say. Other adults look at us with pity.  They see us as poor little chicks. The reality of the obvious: ...... Not saying what was normal  for us was to say that we did not see what we saw. The adults around me don't want me to be  strong. They want me to be strong in the way that I don't have it. 

But Fu-kun spoke only the truth. He did not lie. I should have been aware of the reality that  I was being confronted with, but even so, I usually dared to pretend that I was blind to it like an adult, so I sometimes didn't know what to do at the moment I was told. But when I saw Fu kun looking at me frozen and more upset than I was, I realized that he didn't say those things  to make fun of me, and I knew that he said them because he thought of me as an equal human  being. I believed that Fuu-kun was the only one who wanted me to be strong, not just  stubborn." 

'Did you believe in it? Now you don't?" 

I still believe in Fu-kun's words, but I no longer believe in Fu-kun himself. But I no longer  believe Fu-kun himself." 

Why?" 

Around winter, when most of the kids in our grade turned ten, our homeroom teacher  suggested that we have a one-half coming-of-age ceremony. He was an enthusiastic teacher,  but he was known for his favoritism, which disgusted all but a few of the students. I, in  particular, was almost put off by the opposite kind of favoritism. He told me to make a line  graph of how I had lived my life, including pictures and drawings of the good times and bad  times of my life, and that ten years from now, when you were looking for a job, you would  probably make a timeline of your own history. By looking back on the ups and downs of your  life, you will know what kind of person you are, and you will use that as the basis for your job  hunting. Indeed, when I asked Fu-kun about it, he said he does that kind of thing in his job  search. But since I lived for only ten years and don't remember anything from when I was a  baby, the most I can write about myself is what I did after I entered elementary school. He  told me that I should ask my parents about everything before that. As an orphan, I had no one  to ask such a question. If it was after I was placed in an orphanage, I might be able to get some  information from Mr. Shinohara or other staff members, but I'm sure they don't remember  much since they see a lot of children. I don't remember much about the time when I first  entered the facility, and I don't want to remember. I always wanted to be free to be alone. I  lived my life in an indifferent way, trying not to stick out in the crowd, and now I'm here. There's no way I could make a graph. 

The other kids are not as good as me, but they probably don't know how to write. But they  can fill the space with photos instead. I can do this assignment by making a collage of photos  that my parents have collected, and it won't look bad when I hang it up in the hallway. But I  don't have any photos. I can't afford to buy pictures of my elementary school field trips, I don't  have a parent to take my picture at the field day, and of course I don't have any pictures from  before I came to the facility. 

What part of that story gives you reason to want to take away Fu-kun's eyes?" Please listen to the end. I told Fu-kun this story in the middle of my study. Fu-kun seemed  to be in more pain than ever. His nails were digging into his clenched hands on the desk. I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to do with the money. He also said that it was terrible  that he had to choose such an assignment. The only thing that I really like about it is that it's  a very simple and easy to use method. 

Then, instead of teaching the children one-on-one, Fu-kun asked a sister in the same circle  who was a camera hobbyist and made albums of the children at the facility to collect photos  of me. I liked to be alone and didn't play much with the children I lived with, so I had very few pictures of myself. I didn't like the ones of me being forced to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with other children or talking to the staff, because even though my mouth was smiling, the corners  of my eyes never wrinkled, and my blue eyes looked cold when the light shone through them.  I don't remember ever really smiling, so maybe I couldn't help it. 

However, I unexpectedly found many pictures of me in the photos that my sister had taken  to report on her activities at the university. It was a two-shot of Fu-kun and me, the two of us  curled up together solving a problem, or Fu-kun fondling the spine of a book I had borrowed,  as if he had fond memories of it. I was smiling naturally, and I could tell from the pictures that  there was a calm atmosphere in the room. She told me that she had planned to use the photos  in the activity report after asking me not to use them, and that she was sorry for taking them  like a hidden camera. I asked her why, seeing that we were the only ones in the photos in the  activity report. She then said, "When you two are together, it's like you're locked up in your  own world, ...... in a good way, and I don't think I should enter. Neither of you are the type to  express your emotions clearly, but you can tell that you both feel safe together, and the  atmosphere is really nice. It's like we've known each other forever, I said. 

It is true that only when I was with Fu-kun did I feel a sense of freedom from the tension of  having to constantly keep my antennae up to see how I was being viewed, something I did not  feel even from the children at the facility where I lived with him. 

......What did Fu-kun do?" 

I answered, "Fu-kun didn't do anything. Then I chewed my back teeth, remembering the  dread I felt at that moment. Before I could think of anything to pass the time, I was inevitably  hungry, and the cool feeling in my mouth after swallowing the gum left me feeling sick. 

I know I'm going to embarrass myself in class. But I was happy that I was able to create a  timeline that exceeded my expectations. I felt that I was able to resist my current environment  just a little bit. Although I didn't feel that I understood myself by having Fu-kun help me make  the timeline, I was glad that he could get to know me. I realized that I had revealed all of myself  as I really am, and I would normally have been impatient, but I felt better for it. I thought I  could go into the presentation with a stronger attitude than usual. 

Then the lady who gave me the photo came near me and I was unusually motivated to chat  with her. We chatted about trivial things. She suddenly remembered that Fu-san wanted a picture of you, so I gave it to her, but she didn't mind, did she? I didn't mind, right? I didn't  mind, but I was curious as to which photo she had given me, so while Fu-san was out of the  seat, I surreptitiously went through her bag. The photos had been carefully put in a photo  case. It is rare to print out photos nowadays, but I thought it was very polite of Fu-san to even  prepare a case for the photos. In the photo, you can see Fu-san and I sitting side by side  studying. Fu-san was explaining the textbook, but I was looking at his profile as if I was not  concentrating much. I had a twisted neck, I always look in the mirror only from the front, and  I didn't know that I had two moles in a row around the base of my left ear. I flipped to the next  file and found a close-up of a baby with blue eyes staring at me. The child seemed to be being  held by someone's chest, and his face was tilted to the right, as if he was unable to sit up. On  her left cheek were two moles that seemed to be peeking out from under her skin. 

You mean he had pictures of you when you were a baby?" 

No, that can't be right. None of the staff explained how I was brought to the orphanage, but  they said I was also in an infant home, so I must have been brought here almost immediately  after I was born. I was destined to be an orphan. I doubt if ...... pictures were even taken. They  probably didn't take a picture of me when I was a baby, they probably went online and found  a picture of a baby with a mole in the same spot as mine and doctored his eyes to make them  blue." 

But why would you need to do that?" 

I explained that everyone knows I'm an orphan, but you thought you could cheat by adding  this. I explained to you that everyone knows I'm an orphan, and you thought you could cover  it up by adding this." 

I said as if I were rambling, and my breathing became labored as if my lungs were clogged  with something hard. 

Did you check with him?" 

I said, "No, you didn't. I threw it in my bag. I just threw it in my bag and didn't say anything." ...... so you're going to take Foo-kun's eyes off of me?" 

...... that's right." 

When he confirmed it again, I felt a little uneasy. But more than that, anger won out. He  exposed me and made a fake picture of me. He tried to make me feel strong. ...... Fu-kun's eyes are a disgrace to you, aren't they?" 

I don't know if it's "shame ....... Anyway, I feel betrayed. I thought I had met someone for  the first time who wasn't wearing colored glasses. ...... you said that if you were going to do  violence to me, you would do it to make yourself the same person. I want to get rid of this kind  of ...... self that becomes skeptical with just one photo. I want to take away your eyes for that  purpose. I thought that I could change something by providing him with a picture that I would never be able to get, because he is just a stranger after all, even if he can look so hurt for me. People's unhappiness is in their imagination, not reality. I, who am in the middle of the  misfortune you are imagining, do not exist, and it is impossible for me to try to help it. I will  make what I feel real, and I will part with the unhappiness that people feel. If I don't, I feel  that I will end up like that uncle and the graduating seniors in the future. For that reason, I'll  give my eyes to Lynx." 

I see. Well, I'm going to go get his eyes right away. So, what do you want?" I'm going to ask you to get a picture of me as a baby from ...... . The real one. I'll make it  clear that the picture is a fake. Then bring me my mother or father." 

What would you do if neither of those existed?" 

You said, "Just get ready. You said you couldn't believe I couldn't grant a mere child's wish. You're the one who's always peeping at the pictures from the other side of the world, so why  don't you at least keep a record of them? And even if both parents are dead, you could at  least locate their graves. 

"We' ll have it ready for you at ....... It will show up again in a few days, so please don't  ignore it then." 

Of course. I may finally find out why I was orphaned. I'm even looking forward to it." I really didn't think I was looking forward to it, not one bit. Whatever my family situation  was, it didn't change the fact that they had abandoned me. Whatever the reason, I couldn't  forgive my parents for throwing me here. My parents may have been, as the adults around me  imagined, a man who played around a lot. They may have been happy to get rid of me, who  was born in the process. Can I be so resolute in my anger toward them that I tear up my baby  picture and throw it away? ......I wish they were dead. 

I found myself sitting alone in a dark room after the sun had set. I could hear voices in some  room. Soon people will start gathering in this room. But first, I had to do something about my  pathetic face, which I could see even without looking in the mirror. I spread out my homework  on my desk as if I was in the middle of doing it, plopped down on it, and closed my eyes. If  people find me in that state, I will be out of their way for a while. 

It was a week later that the doll appeared before me once more. This time, while I was  studying at the city library, I suddenly felt the noise around me go away, and the doll was right  in front of me, and no one was there except me. I did not see Fu-kun once during the week.  Volunteers still came, but on that day, another person temporarily helped him with his studies  and he seemed to be taking a rest. I wondered if it might have been because he had lost his  sight, but strangely enough, I did not feel guilty about it. Just as my misfortune that Fu-kun  had imagined and the measures he had taken to remedy it were completely meaningless, the misfortune and inconvenience I had caused Fu-kun seemed irrelevant. Was I being  unsympathetic? It is often said that people regret the words they say on the spur of the  moment, but the truth is that I felt a sense of release as I let out my suppressed emotions for  the first time, and my mood even turned upward. Apart from regrets, I felt nervous about  facing my parents, but in preparation for that, I talked to the orphans who had met them. The  parents said that they had a child in their teens and just couldn't raise it, that they had fled  from their father's domestic violence and couldn't afford a life to raise their child, and so on.  I don't know if I will be able to get the same kind of answer from my parents when I meet  them using some otherworldly power that I don't understand. There was a good chance that I  would hear an excuse, not a statement. I wished they were dead, I thought again, before I  wished they were dead. Before I wished for him to die, I thought again, "If I can't forgive him,  how can I forgive him? If I can't forgive, at least let me forget. 

He said, "Hello. I made you go blind." 

"...... so." 

It didn't seem to take my thinly veiled response in stride, but for a robot that doesn't show  much emotion, it did seem unusually excited. The doll's two eyes were also incredibly  elaborate, and the eyelashes that surrounded them swayed in the wind. Contrary to their soft  impression, the eyes were hung up and reddish. They must have been blue the other day.  Seeing this, I thought that antique French dolls with a high price might be like this, although  I did not know much about them. 

Still, changing eye color according to emotion is not something this rational robot would  think of. He would change his body parts as much as possible just for the sake of convenience.  If this robot did not create such eyes by its own will, it must have created them for Lynx, the  robot's caretaker. I know that in the world in which we live, there are stuffed animals that are  as warm as human skin, and robots that can take the place of pets. People who cannot take  responsibility for their own lives and therefore will not keep a pet, but are looking for  something that will give them peace of mind, are the ones who buy such things. For me, buying  such things is somewhat lonely. And isn't it convenient? In order for a person to feel the  warmth of another living being and be at ease, there are many steps that need to be taken.  This is the case with taking responsibility for one's life, and lovers and friends will leave you  if you are not faithful, although the tolerance level may vary from person to person. There is  no such thing as a person without lies, but I want to be a person with few lies. If I don't tell  people that I am an orphan because I don't have to, that's fine, but I don't want to keep it  hidden because I feel guilty. To do this, I am going to tear up the picture in front of either of  my parents. I was born of my parents. But apart from that, I am independent. 

What's wrong with you? Your eyes." Oh, they appear to change color according to emotion. Lynx put them on, these eyes. I don't  understand the sense of trying to compare emotions to color gradients, though. ...... Yes, that's  right. Fu-kun is very rude." 

Rude? No one is that polite. What makes you think that?" 

'That man said I was a disgrace. He said that if I could really understand and explain why,  if I could go home empty-handed and say I was ashamed, that would be enough to save Lynx  and you would accept me." 

What do you mean Lynx will be saved? Why should this robot, whose eyes change color  as if it has feelings, and who enjoys appreciating the earth as a dollhouse, be saved? There  is another one who is just being a little too careful and is touching his hunch. Maybe I just  don't know him, but maybe he is the kind of person who often does things that irritate people. 

Why? I don't get it at all." 

'I asked him, and after I had explained the situation in a few words, I told him I would take  your eyes back as a symbol of shame. Of course, I didn't have the right to veto it, so it was like  a declaration. I wasn't unhappy with the answer you gave, but I was curious to know what  shame would look like if I asked another human being. I asked him about our world and he 

didn't give me an answer right away, as if he didn't care that he was about to go blind. He was  initially friendly. He said he wanted the ability and mumbled confidently, "I wish I had the  ability ....... Why? He attended a university that was famous in the eyes of the world and  worked hard enough to produce results, so why would he say such words? I wondered. Then,  as I was explaining to him about my ability to change, he began to look at me more and more  askance. I asked him why he was looking at me that way, and he said that I had changed my  abilities, changed my job, and made a big change in my life, but he was too unresponsive to it.  Isn't that true?" 

Isn't that right? Why?" 

'My capabilities have changed, my work has changed, so why the emotional surge over that? I received the ability and did the work that I should have been able to do with that ability. You  said you can't make a personal history timeline, and even I can't make one. I just digest my  work. And I don't really know how I can make a personal history timeline and get to know  myself. It's not that I don't want to remember, but I don't see the need to remember." 

I don't want to be reminded of it, but it just pops into my head. If I don't need to be  reminded of it, how can I not be reminded of it?" 

No, of course it was not like that before I transferred my spirit into a robot body. There  were many times in my life when memories would suddenly come back to me, and this would  change my condition for the day. But as I customized my body to fulfill my tasks, the way I  saw the world changed, and I could no longer remember what the world looked like the way I used to see it. 

At a time when the transfer of the mind into a machine body was still new, the situation was  unstable, wars were frequent, and the economy was struggling. Young people jumped at the  chance to use this technology to get a job. They acquired an unlimited number of abilities,  but when the abilities were incompatible and canceled each other out, they simply gave them  up, regardless of whether they were part of their own body. There was no such thing as a  model for customization back then, so he had to try it anyway. The old man was afraid of  turning his body into something inorganic, but he took the plunge and became a full-body  cyborg, and seeing the stars of his generation forgetting their old age and blooming back, he  lost his resistance to this technology. And so, when the technology became available to the  world, this technology was no longer indispensable. Even children who did not yet need to  work easily took to this technology, as if they were the protagonists of a boys' comic book  receiving new abilities or wearing a trendy fashion item. Customize your eyes so that you can  see infrared, for example. To fuse the remaining human parts with the machine parts, while  keeping a balance between the two. At the time, I modified my body simply out of curiosity to  know what would happen if I acquired the senses of a snake. 

Yet with new technology comes unexpected trouble. It seemed beyond doubt that  productivity would increase along with competence, and life would become more fulfilling.  What we mean by life becoming more fulfilling here was a sense of security that when  compared to the past, we were more capable than we had been in the past and as good as those  around us. But we failed to realize that the more we made our bodies into robots, the more  we lost our memories of the past. For young people, the past is not something to look back on  on the spur of the moment. The most important thing was to keep up with the ever-changing  fashions. (Not paying attention to it meant that they did not care if they differed in ability  from those around them. ) In order to escape the fear of death that would come sooner or  later, the old man valued the time to look back on the glorious past, or even if not, the trivial  warm memories of his childhood. They soon realized that when they turned their body parts  into robots, their memories slipped away. It took a long time for this to become a social issue,  however. What they lost were the days they took for granted with their family and friends, and  when they suddenly chatted with people, the memory of the person who should have been in  the episode was completely gone. However, like dementia, I can remember without problems  whether I took a meal or not, or appointments I made with people. What was the need to look  at the problem when the ability itself had improved and life was delayed without problems? And for some old people who had been extensively remodeled, death was no longer imminent.  As the trend spread that clinging to the past and memories was a foolish notion, fearing death  to be solved by technology, most old people realized what they were losing, but chose to hide it. They are still aware that they are not living a full life, and they have bodies that can move  with a disproportionate amount of activity. When he thinks back to the past, everything is a  blur and he cannot remember what he would have wanted to do if he had been able to move  actively. I don't have the energy. They do as they are told, doing the work that is appropriate  for the body they are given. When they realized that they were not celebrating their own lives  by getting robot bodies, they were fulfilling their lives as robots, becoming robots themselves.  It was called the dementia of the new age. 

By the time this fact was revealed, the entire human race had already been converted to full  body cyborgs. And people were no longer concerned about losing their memories because of  their extended lifespan. You might say that they can no longer do it. So even though I know  from the data that my abilities have changed and my work has changed, I have no particular  emotional ups and downs about it. There is no emotion that I can retain in the ever-changing  sensation." 

When I heard this story, I could not imagine it well. If Fu-kun's eyes were to go blind, as I  had hoped, it would certainly change the way I felt about the world. Is this a mastery of that? We have the base of a human body, but for the robots in the other world, it is no longer  necessary for us to be in human form. What is important is the ability to reach a goal. A body  for that purpose. I wish I could be like that. The time I spent with the volunteers before Fu kun's arrival, when I was given too-easy drills to complete every day, may have been the  happiest time of my life now. What I needed was not a weapon, but a tasteless digestion of the  time that flowed by. What we needed was to strengthen our minimal abilities and protect  ourselves around them. This is not the way to think. If I think like this, I would be stunned in  front of my parents. No, that might be a good thing. At least, I would not have to show my  weakness. 

...... so why did Foo-kun call you a disgrace?" 

He asked me. He asked me why, in a world that is endlessly repeating itself to achieve its  goal, Lynx was created again. Was his presence also necessary to achieve this goal? Yes, it was necessary. Especially for a born-again robot. The original Lynx was not only a  brilliant cyborg researcher, but also a robot developer. The robots he created are still active  today, nearly immortal like us. They continued to learn and grow while we were confused by  the process of transferring our minds to machines. They now reign at the top of the world and  continue to analyze information from the experimental subjects, the bottled-up celestial  bodies, to ensure that the world does not perish. They were the only ones who could handle  such a huge amount of information, no matter how many abilities anyone could obtain. At  first, those who planned to rule the world tried to implant their minds into the robots, but  they died at every turn. Only those robots had been modified by the first generation so that no one's spirit could be put into them. They were created in a time like World War III in your  world. At any moment, anyone could press the button on a nuclear weapon and destroy the  world. Created under such tense circumstances, they were given only one mission. "Let the  humans live! To achieve this, they created a celestial body that resembled our planet and  performed various simulations. There was no end to it, but they had no bodies or emotions to  tire of. Still, one day the statistics came out that the planet would not perish for twice as long  as the years from its birth to the present. We were pleased, but they were inwardly impatient.  Although they wanted to fulfill the purpose they had been given as robots, there was no longer  a single flesh-and-blood human around. Indeed, now that we have robotic bodies, we don't  have to worry for a while about the destruction of what we used to call human beings. So what  are the humans we should be keeping alive today? They needed someone to modify or  improve their purpose. So once they returned to their starting point and created the minimum  environment in which a living human being could live, they generated a clone of the Lynx. And that is how we created the Lynx we have today." 

Did the newly born Lynx direct you to make any changes to that objective?" No, I didn't do anything. After hearing what had just happened and being affirmed that  "you are right as you are," the pure robots were able to overcome their confusion and devote  themselves to their purpose, but when they heard this story, Fu-kun started laughing. Why?" 

Was it a story that made me laugh out loud? I honestly couldn't keep up with the  understanding, I felt like I was being told a story that had nothing to do with me, what was  funny? 

As far as I was concerned, I had no idea what he was talking about, if anything, it was  incoherent. Would you, who live in the same world, understand? I have a recording, would  you like me to play it?" 

"Yeah." 

I wanted to peel off the skin of Fu-kun's monster. I wanted to peel off Fu-kun's skin. You're still going, but you can't call yourself alive anymore." 

You call me "you" in such a violent way when I am not in an institution. You called me "you"  in front of me, but you didn't call me "you" in private, did you? You're an orphan, you poor  thing. 

"'You don't control a robot by giving it a purpose; you let it live! ' and the convenience of  the robot given a purpose, it no longer knows who it is and is a cog in the wheel. He does not  know how big he is, what fine teeth he has, what role he plays, or the whole picture of the even  bigger machine that the cogs are moving. Even that machine may be just another tool to  accomplish something. ......You are one of the parts that are not even tools. How can you call yourself a human being if you don't know the process by which any of us can say what kind of  person we are? So what you get by experimenting on various celestial bodies without even a  sense of ethics is a long life that you can't even remember. Did you really think you'd be  happy? I thought you were just laughing to pretend you didn't see what was lost. If you  were laughing without even realizing that you had lost it, where would you find meaning in  that laughter? And as for the robot that created this world, it is impatient to have achieved  its purpose. Purpose can only come from a wish. The robot did not have a wish that came  from within. Unable to create a purpose, he tried to create a creature with a purpose in a test  tube. 

Have you ever wondered what the ...... produced Lynx would think? What would he  think? He was born into a world where there is no one like him, but robots waiting to be  given a purpose so that they can worship God. He would have had no choice but to say, "You  are right as you are. The first generation's idea of "Live! was what everyone wanted,  considering the historical background, and there was a meaning to it. The robots are not to  blame either, since they were only trying to achieve the goal they were given as a means to human beings. But what about the humans? Adam and Eve ate the apple, were expelled  from the paradise of immortality, and became human. We, their descendants, ate the apple  and you know we are here to stay. There are many humans who sin in order to live. There are  people who suffer from sin and are prepared to carry it with them for the rest of their lives. I  felt that sin when I realized that the eyes of those around me reflected me as I was, like a  mirror, and at the same time contained feelings that I could not hide. Otherwise, I blamed  myself, wondering why I was allowed to be here, thinking of my past, of my neglected and  devalued existence. I thought about what I was here to benefit from, and I felt ashamed of my  present self, who can only live by that benefit. I thought more sensitively about what the blood  that flows through me is like. I was the result of mixing half of the blood of those parents. It  felt terribly muddy and dirty. Even if I had not committed a crime, I could mix anything I  wanted in this blood, produce anything I wanted as a result, and I would not take responsibility  for it. I can't shake the physiological disgust that this unrestrainedness is indeed flowing  through me. I wanted to be clean. I want to have my own place of protection where no one  can step in, apart from the fact that my blood is red and smells like iron. 

I got emotional about ....... But didn't even Lynx feel similarly? People who lost their sense  of humanity and the memories that were supposed to follow it and became producers. But no  consumers. They became consumers to Lynx alone. How did people lose their feelings? It  was the technology of the first Lynx that made people cross the line of no longer being human,  under the guise of creating a utopia. And it is the fault of the people who took the premature  vehicle of the age without thinking and consumed it. They used it as long as it was convenient, without knowing the harm it could do. The result is this. As a copy, Lynx felt responsible for  the technology that the first generation had created. He was pained to think of the memories  that people had lost. He felt the pain that no one understood his need for the warmth of human  activities, family, friends, and human connections that no one needed anymore. But what  difference did the robot make to me, the guinea pig, who had been created in a test tube? 

Still, I am the only human being who was given an environment that was more than enough.  Just as human beings escaped the agony of death by resorting to religion, the robot, fearing  the loss of its purpose, created a temporary god. What was it like to be depended on a sense  of sin that only human beings possess? 

Go to ...... and tell him he's a disgrace, yourself. I don't think it's my eyes he's looking for,  but rather someone who sees him with human eyes. He feels responsible for his sins, yet it  pains him that he's being held up like he's the god of this world. It's hard to know that someone  is blaming you, even if you don't say it out loud, with your eyes. But it is even more painful to  keep looking at his own face reflected in the LCD screen alone, and to assign blame to himself.  Because I feel like I'm all alone. I want someone to blame me, I want someone to repent, I  want to see someone who knows what I lost, someone who knows its value. Isn't that what I  sent you to earth to realize?" 

The robot's eyes sometimes seemed to calm down a bit as the red turned orange, and then  they would glow with energy like magma. Even though the robot might not have feelings, it  was indeed easier to listen to himwhen he changed colors like that. 

So what did you think?" 

It is an insult. How can it be a shame against our completed world, without war or poverty,  and the people who created it? Certainly we have no sense of who we are, built in the  relationships of family and friends, no memories of chasing dreams or searching left and right  for what we can do, no sense of a place where the past and the present are connected to the  ground. The work we are doing now is all we have. What is the shame in that? You are living  in the present with regrets, so you can't be fooled by the past. That's what I told him. I told  him, "No, I'm doing everything I think I need to do right now. The reason I am still living now  with a sense of something being dragged out is because there was someone who was necessary  for me to be who I am, and the relationship I had with that child was supposed to make me  who I am, but that child was unreasonably made not even to exist. I know how irresponsible  and shameless that was, and whose protection it was. That person who should feel guilty and  live with the guilt is laughing at me. I can feel that ugliness in me, vicariously. Of course it is  in her, too. I don't care. I just can't forgive the fact that I was the only one in a privileged place  on a whim and she was abandoned. If I could have replaced him, I would have. But I didn't  have the power at that time to appeal to her to do so. No matter how hard I try, I don't think I can shake off the feeling of helplessness and guilt I felt at that time. If you were to say that it  is pointless to be troubled by such things, I would have no words to reply, but without that  memory, I would not be the person I am today. 

They say, 'You don't have that kind of thing. It would be meaningless. First of all, I wonder if  he feels the same way about Fu-kun. It may be that he is just worried by himself, and is taking  the problem too big by himself. It is as you said before. People's unhappiness is in their  imagination, not reality. That child in the middle of his imagined misery doesn't exist and it's  impossible to try to help him. Better to just give up." 

It is better to give up. People's compassion does not always help. I learned this through my  relationship with Fu-kun. Shame may have been born from a combination of two things: the  compassion of a fisherman casting a net at random and hoping it will catch a fish, and my lack  of time to spare, mistaking it for a helping hand like a spider's thread. I wonder if anyone saw  the burning sense of shame I felt when I saw that photo. I cannot be seen. I may continue to  feel shame. Still, I will not let anything dangerous happen again that might make people  around me realize it. This was the right thing to do. Those eyes must have wanted to see me  struggling in the net, using the photo as bait. ...... Shame is not balanced by violence. It's  just that Fu-kun should be punished for trying to expose his shame. 

Where are Fu-kun's eyes now?" 

It's right here." 

The doll put her hands behind her back and floated a round-bottomed flask in the air. Two  eyeballs were floating in the light yellow liquid. As if they had been surgically removed, not  only the eyeballs but also their optic nerves had been neatly preserved and were fluttering in  the water. 

He thought it was disgusting to see formalin-preserved snakes lined up in the science lab. I  doubted that they were really doing this to add to their research, or that it made any sense.  But there is in these eyes. Let's keep this sight in our eyes. I don't feel sorry for him. I say how  about the violence I decided to commit myself, because it appeared in front of me in its rawest  form. You had to have imagined that this would happen. To regret it is to lose the meaning of  that violence. Violence is not right, I know. But there was meaning and reason to this violence.  There was a selfish revenge, just as there was a selfish good will, just as there was a selfish  good will to provide fake baby pictures. With this sacrifice, I part with my past. Why am I here  now? I don't want to ask myself such sentimental questions anymore. 

How will Fu-kun change if he becomes blind? How would his life change, of course, but  how would his inner life change? Would he be ashamed of being blind? When Hu-kun took your eyes, did you not resist?" 

I didn't." I wondered why, too, but I was too emotionally involved to ask for much detail....... how are your parents doing now?" 

'If you don't mindright after this, I'll have her waiting for you in the café next to this library.  I brought her here with a little hypnosis, but I think she - your mother - will tell the truth  about you. She also seemed to have the photographs in her own possession, so I decided it  would be better for you to receive them in person rather than for me to rob you." 

I'm going to go see him now at ......." 

Well, I guess that's it for me. Well, goodbye." 

As soon as I got up from my seat, the doll disappeared and I heard someone's voice coming  from between the bookshelves. 

The café seemed crowded, but I was able to get in right away. It was a small cafe that gave  the impression of being frequented only by regular customers, but the low ceilings and thick  walls that separated the seats made it look like a cave. I don't know why, but I knew she would  smile at me when she saw me. I had only been in family restaurants when it came to places to  eat, so I was fascinated by the dark interior, the orange indirect lighting, and the slender  tableware illuminated by the light. I felt somehow comfortable even though I had come to a  place I was not accustomed to. If Fu-kun's eyes were still able to see, he would surely feel such  dimness in that murky liquid. I wonder if the teddy bear hanging from the electric light is still  swinging, even though it should really look good surrounded by that kind of floral tableware.  Shot by someone. My mind spun rapidly, conjuring up a string of things that might be related.  Compared to those memories, what I was seeing now felt like the most beautiful thing I had  ever seen. ......I've always wanted to meet my mom. I wish I could say I'm sorry, even if it's a  lie. I wish I could forgive you. --I'm going to tear up the picture now. I clenched my fists. 

When I arrived at the table guided by the waitress, there was a beautiful woman there. I  couldn't tell her age at a glance, but she was a person without a sense of life. For example, the  staff at the facility were dressed in furry knitwear, tired aprons, and faded jeans. My clothes  were similar. They were either hand-me-downs from someone else or donated from  somewhere. But the woman looks as if she bought them straight from the show window and  put them on. He wore a small gold wristwatch on his thin wrist, and he looked at the time.  The doll had told me she was keeping me waiting, but did she have a specific time in mind? I was impatient, wondering if I was late for an appointment I didn't know about, but I wanted  to observe the man a little longer before leaving. 

The black hair that hung over her slumped face also looked brand new. It was shiny as if she  had just washed it and blended in with her luxurious clothes. She was wealthy and exuded a  kind of spaciousness that comes from being wealthy. That luxury is one with the café. I  suddenly felt ashamed that I had come in my dirty sweatshirt and jersey, not thinking about how my mother would see me. Does my mother care how I look? I was confused by the  woman who had abandoned me and yet dressed like a classy, kind mother coming to a parent teacher conference. Or did she not care that she was meeting me and was dressing that way  to fit in with her plans for the rest of the day? Or was that her everyday attire? She is  different from any adult woman in my daily life, and my mother, who is supposed to be close  to me, seems unknown to me. Of course, since I am meeting her for the first time, she must  be "unknown," but the pause, as if just before the doll I took out of the drawer starts talking,  is painful. 

She looked at me suddenly. She had a well-defined face, white skin with red lips, and looked  like someone from TV. My mother greeted me with a smile. It was like the surprise and  thunderous applause of a guest on a variety show whose identity is kept secret. My mother's  eyes widened, her mouth covered with her hand and her eyes smiling as if moved, and she  held out her hand as if to say, "Please sit down. The wind coming in through the window was  blowing directly against me, making me feel cold. It had been so warm just a moment ago.  Looking at the seat next to me, I saw a woman raising her eyebrows at my mother, who had  the window fully open in the middle of winter. The chair I sat in and the desk were cold. 

There is a library across the street. A couple of high school students were studying there.  The girl wanted to study seriously, but the boy wanted the girl's attention. The girl wanted to  study seriously, but the boy couldn't help himself. The girl had no choice but to follow him,  but she didn't seem to mind. Maybe she was only pretending to be serious about her studies,  but secretly she was happy to be bothered by the boy. I opened the window to listen to their  conversation! In the end I didn't hear it at all, but I could see the two of them going into the  public restroom. It's so nice to be young - I wish I was young!" 

Who never greeted me and kept talking one way or the other. I had been to that library  often, and I knew that unserious couples were carving their phase and obscenities into the  cross sections of the desks. When I saw the initials, I thought that perhaps it was a senior  member of the institution doing it. It's not like I had a house to call my girlfriend, so I had a  private room to reach the end of the line and the thrill that comes with it. The waitress who  asked, "What would you like to order?" and the woman who finished the order on her own,  saying, "Cocoa, I'm only ten years old." Does she remember how old I am? 

Snowy, you want a picture of you as a baby, don't you? Snow is such a nice name for this  season, didn't Igive it to you?" 

Did you know? He nods his head as if to say. 

What is your name?" 

Are you really my mother?" 

I don't like it. It's like a blind date. We probably won't see each other again anyway, so stop asking me boring questions." 

He was rummaging through his bag without even looking at me. It was shiny and had a  brand logo on it, but it was so full that the logo looked stretched out to the side. I pick up a  cigarette and light it with a lighter. A gust of wind pushes the smoke back through the open  window. The wind pushes the smoke back, and a sweet aroma and warmth wafts around me.  My dry skin is moistened. 

It was hard to get the pictures, you know? She either has them on her person or hides  them somewhere in her room." 

He looks down at me through the smoke with eyes that entice and entangle. His voice urging  me on. What do they want from me? My own child is right in front of me, but this person  seems to think it's someone else's problem. He doesn't seem to care why his own child, whom  he gave birth to ten years ago, wants a picture of him. All he has is the name he gave himself,  the photo he went through all that trouble to get. He wants me to give them to him for free.  He wants me to be grateful. I want a comfortable hand to accompany my words. But I don't  want to just say "thank you. 

...... you were allowed to bring it without permission, even though it didn't belong to you?" It's okay, I'm the one holding this baby. I'm the one holding the baby." "It's a picture of me,  so I can do what I want with it. I wonder how she managed to keep such a picture of me for  the rest of her life. I had forgotten that this picture had even been taken, so when I saw the  blue-eyed baby for the first time, I thought how cute she was and how nice it was to have a  

half-breed child. When I saw the moles, I thought, "Oh, my baby, that's my baby. ......Why are my eyes blue?" 

My husband was working all the time and didn't leave me much time, so I started taking  lessons. I was taking English conversation lessons, and my teacher was really cool, so I met  him outside of class and he helped me with my studies. Then I had a baby. I thought it was  my husband's child, so I decided to have the baby, but when it was born, it had blue eyes. I  couldn't cover it up anymore, so I thought about adopting you, but for better or worse, you  would attract attention, and if Japanese parents raised a child who was clearly half-Japanese,  it would be immediately obvious that you had been adopted. I couldn't find anyone to take  you, so I put you in an orphanage." 

The facts are laid out. It was like a poker playing partner's hand being disclosed. I once  earned a little extra money by joining in a poker game played by upperclassmen when I really  needed money at the institution. The important thing is not to always draw a strong hand  every time. It's about controlling the amount of money you betso that a weak hand looks like  a strong hand. This person would bet a high amount when a strong hand comes in and get out  without even betting when a weak hand comes in. He doesn't lie seriously because betting is just for fun. No, it's before that. This person doesn't even know if the hand he played is strong  or weak, just five playing cards. He doesn't think about how much the facts he has presented  will affect his opponent. I don't know that for me, that fact is where the truth is revealed. My  hand card is a fact - what kind of life I live now has no effect on this person no matter how I  adapt it. ...... can't win. 

Who did this picture belong to?" 

'Was there anyone who would have cherished my baby pictures?' 

I'm your brother, I'm twenty now, so I'm ten years older than you. 

What was my brother doing when I went into infancy?" 

When she was ten years old, there was a ceremony called the one-half coming-of-age  ceremony, and they asked us to look back at all the pictures of her from when she was a baby  to when she was ten years old. I had a good number of pictures of her. I had no problem buying  school pictures of her every time we went on a field trip or something. He was a good kid, and  he would look at your pictures all the time when he was quickly producing work on his own to  the satisfaction of his teachers. When the baby was born, he had blue eyes, so my husband  knew right away that it wasn't his, and he didn't want to take a picture. So I only have that one  picture. I thought I had erased that data when I put her in the nursery, but I never thought I  would find a printout of it. 

But I wonder if it was defiance in his own way. He saw his brother gonewhile he was at  elementary school and explained that his brother was dead, but there was no funeral and he  was smart enough not to let that fool him. I looked at the albums I had made of myself and  mucked out my face on each one, then shredded them all and set them on fire with my lighter.  The whole house smelled like smoke. Are you stupid? What are you going to submit to  school? What are you going to submit to school? She looked at me like she couldn't believe  what she saw. Yes, I am. I mean, she's seen me as a strong kid who's been to school every day  and is the chairperson of the committee, so it would be a shame to give up that position. I, the  mother, don't want to be seen as one of those mothers who can't even prepare a decent picture  of her own child because you set it on fire without permission. Didn't you think of the trouble  you might cause the neighbors if you burn such a thing in the yard? You're smart, but you're  always at your desk and can't imagine how people feel, just like that guy who left you with the  blue eyes! 

What did you just say?" 

What about?" 

What was the last thing you said?" 

You are just like your father, my son, in that you are all brains and no understanding of  human feelings. I didn't want to get rid of your name, Snow, which is the same as my brother's name. I wish he had been more worthwhile." 

What's your brother's name?" 

Fuyumi. She looks like a girl, doesn't she? When she was born, it snowed for the first time,  so I named her Fuyumi. She doesn't like it. 

The photo I took out, fluttering in the wind and cigarette smoke, was the same one I had  found in Fu-kun's bag that day. 

I don't remember much beyond that point. How did I get back to the facility from the café?  How did I behave at the facility? There must have been no change in his life, hiding his  emotions. He ate his meals, went to school, went to bed at lights out. The dream of consuming  a tasteless life had come true. But gradually, emotions had become something to shut out  rather than muddy the waters in disguise. The same was true of thoughts. If I think about it,  I can't stand it. I wondered what Fu-kun, my brother, was thinking as he watched me study,  and what he looked like when he was doing so. I finally understood how Fuu-kun had  reproached the doll in a stern voice that I had never usually heard. Only one person, the person  involved, was innocent, a memory that the perpetrator did not care about, and the awareness felt by the bystander who had both of them as a part of him--Fu-kun must have seen Lynx as  superimposed on himself. The robots involved had no human emotions and had become  machines specializing in life extension. And although it was his own original idea, I wonder if  he had anticipated this situation. Was he laughing at the sight of human beings ceasing to be  human? Perhaps the first Lynx, which has become a machine, was working by his side  without saying a word. Because isn't that so? It would be too convenient for him to die while  the rest of us became immortal. He may have felt the sensation of consciousness fading away  at the moment of death, a human-like moment of death that no other human being is capable  of at the moment of death. All of this is speculation. But what was it like to be alone, in a place  too comfortable to be alone, looking out at the earth? 

I don't know ....... I wasn't Lynx, I was trying to walk up to the emotionless robot and say  goodbye to the past. I tried to leave the past behind in order to live in the present. I didn't  choose the symbol of shame for Lynx, I tried to remove the past as an obstacle that interfered  with the present, took away my own brother's eyes, and met my mother. The past will now  erode the present even more, and may eventually make me forget that I even live in the present. The exact opposite has happened. I wonder if it is the same for all ...... orphans here. 

When one of my classmates made a chronological table of his personal history, he brought  a strip of paper that he had written on the seventh day of the seventh month of the seventh  lunar month when he was in kindergarten. Naturally, he probably no longer wishes to be a  masked rider, which was his dream. But while he was indulging his dream, I and other orphans were indulging our past instead of our dream. I had thought that the past might wilt away just  as the dreams wilt away. But in reality, the past never fizzled out, and I felt it continuing to  swell up endlessly, pressing down on the present. I wished that the past would burst, and then  I would be free, at least in my mind. When I met my mother, the balloon of the past was burst.  What is oppressing me is not like that anymore. It is something much worse. The one that  kept dragging me down while Fu-kun was doing the best he could in the present. I beg you,  please don't show up in front of me as a volunteer anymore. Please don't show up. 

But my brother came. It was in the evening, when the winter sun was making the towels  washed without fabric softener dry out. Foo-kun is walking carefully, step by step, with his  arm around the older sister who gave me a picture of him one day. They are looking around.  I called out to the child playing. 

"Is Snowy around? Fu-san can't move much, so I'll ask him to go look for me. I was outside, which was unusual for me. There was not much room to hide, and when I  curled up behind the waterworks, a small child ruthlessly came looking for me. I found it!" 

A senior student kicks me in the back as he pulls my hand away. 

Go ahead and do it." 

I wanted to fall on my face. Then I wouldn't have to look up. But when I fell, my hand  came out as soon as I fell, and my hand slipped on the ground, which was wet with water from  the hose. I rolled toward Fu-kun as if to flip him over. I saw the surprised look on the sister's  face. Fu-kun was wearing brown sunglasses. I fell down hard," I heard a voice say. Foo-kun  pushed his sister away and tried to run toward us. But after a step or two, he got stuck, and I  could see that he was trying to find me with his invisible eyes. The reflection of my sunglasses  made it seem as if our eyes met. 

Shame was looking at me.